Thursday, January 12, 2017

Silent Suffering

Okay, so I know I've already written this week, but I have a lot on my mind right now and I just need to get it out.

First, this whole post will probably be a disaster and completely disorganized as I am currently finishing up an anxiety attack (the exhaustion is soon to follow, of course).

I'm not even sure what triggered it, probably nothing. Usually I can pinpoint something, but I really can't this time, and it's frustrating that it just hit me like a train. I was sitting in chapel, and right before it started, it was like my breath was taken away. My body temperature felt like it was rising, my face felt flushed, and I nervously started playing with my hands. I was definitely not prepared. I sat silently trying to focus on the wonderful message the pastor had, but obviously the anxiety had pretty much told me that there was no way I would be dedicated to listening. I struggled to find air and I grasped my hands tightly wondering when it was going to end. The timing was irritating, as I wasn't actually going to get up and leave, yet probably somewhat of a blessing because I was also receiving God's Word at the same time. Thankfully, looking back, I can say that I found at least some comfort in the parts of the message that I did hear.

Even though I've been writing this blog for the past year and a half, I cannot actually describe the depth of one of these attacks to those of you who don't really know what it's like. My eyes swelled with tears but I held it all in because there was no way that I was going to start crying in chapel. The word "help" ran through my brain at an insanely fast rate and all I could think was: "why right now?"

I'm going to use my favorite word again and say that I was (actually, still am) frustrated. I feel this urge to blame the attack on myself, or that I didn't really do anything to "snap out of it", therefore making it all my fault. I had been doing really well (as I said in my post the other day) and nothing killed my progress like what just happened to me. I'm also upset because after an attack, I get extremely tired and want nothing to do with the rest of the day. Unfortunately, I still have to go to 5 more classes after this study hall and go to work after school. *insert deep breath here*

*...and release*

I'm tired, my body is now weak, and silence has overwhelmed me (which is irritating because two hours ago, I was completely fine and as energetic as ever). Not looking forward to tackling the rest of the day. But, I guess I just have to take it minute by minute until it's over and set my eyes upon the day that awaits me tomorrow. Trying to find hope that the rest of today can get better too.

Trying my best to remember His peace given to me,
Marissa Mayer

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