Wednesday, November 30, 2016

More Than Melancholy

Sorry it's late. Didn't have much for content yesterday, but today I feel like actual crap and the only thing I want to do right now is write about it.

My day began by dragging myself out of bed at 5 AM to go to a 6 AM practice for dance. Still exhausted, I put forth a somewhat positive attitude until about a half hour when I crashed. I didn't want to be there. My body didn't want to function. I had zero focus and little motivation. As the school day crept closer, I felt the intense need to go home, crawl back in bed, and sleep the day away.

The rest of my day was yet another roller coaster of ups and downs and everything in between. At the end of the day, it was down, and I can't even tell you how badly I want to get off this terrifying ride.

I hold back tears all day, I tell myself to "grow up" and just "get over it". I'm trying my best, but every day I look in the mirror and I hate what I see. I'm tired of seeing an emotional train wreck looking back at me. I don't like how worn down she looks. I hate the word negativity, but I see a big cloud of it surrounding me and contrary to Joyce Meyer's beliefs, it isn't that easy to "choose positivity" when your brain is chemically unbalanced. Depression is not a choice.

Some days I wonder just how long I'm gonna survive like this. Because, in all honesty, I've been on this earth for 17 years, feeling symptoms of depression for almost 6 of those years, and it just gets a little harder each day to believe that things will get better.  I count down the days until I am able to start medications and start the journey of finding a sense of balance.

I'm exhausted. What more can I say? The hot tears that roll down my face burn out of anger. I'm frustrated. I never know where to turn. I know the right answer is God's Word, but it seems so hard. The voice in my head always yells: "I didn't sign up for this, God!" And I'm mad because I'm doubting Him and I know I shouldn't.

This morning I had to remind myself to breathe. Most people know how to do that on their own without a second thought. Me? My head is like a never ending storm, tossing directions to my body left and right, telling it what it needs to do to live. In the meantime, the darkness shoves me deeper into a depression by shoving thoughts into my head that I don't even know how to articulate to you.

Getting out of bed is a chore that I dread. The weather makes me upset easily. I'm always overtired but anxiety keeps me awake. I run on coffee and music to get me through the day. I wish God didn't feel a million miles away sometimes. I sit on my bed, hug my knees to my chest, close my eyes that are brimming with tears, and rock back and forth, wishing the pain away.

I'm irritable. Angry. Sad. Frustrated. Self-hating. Stressed. I don't like looking to people for help because I feel like a burden. I don't want to live. I don't want to die. I'm just stuck surviving and it's exhausting.

I guess that's all really. Not sure where to go from here,
Marissa Mayer

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