Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Moods and Moons

Happy Tuesday! Sorry this is a day late...but I've got a lot to say, so let's see if I can formulate some of these past few days into words.

Okay, I don't know about all of you but for some reason, I dread Sunday afternoons. I always lose motivation to do the rest of my homework (or start it, but shh), and I'm sure I'm subconsciously upset that my weekend has come to an end. This past Sunday was no different. Shortly after receiving God's Word at worship, I became irritable, and laid on my bed for two hours. Not moving, just scrolling aimlessly through social media feeds. I had gotten into an argument with a friend and I knew that the best thing for myself was to walk away, take some space for awhile, and do what is best for me. At the time, however it didn't feel too good.

Upset, I knew that my depression was coming back. I ended up lashing out at my mom and spending most of the day crying in my room trying to take my mind off of whatever it seemed to be on. I felt terrible for acting the way I had and apologized to my mom. But the feeling inside didn't go away. I was excited to go back to school on Monday, just to be surrounded with my support system of people.

It'd be nice if I told you that Monday was great and I had a fabulous day. Well, it seems that would be too good to be true. I was fine for a few hours, but then it hit me like a semi-truck. The demons flew back and took their place in my mind, convincing me that I was terribly distraught by anything and everything in my life. I went to the bathroom, looked in the mirror, and immediately hated what I saw. In the mirror stood an over-emotional teenage girl who couldn't even control herself at school.

"Why must you do this to yourself?" I asked myself inside.
"You need to grow up and understand that you're better off dead..." 
"Look at how pathetic you are..."
"If only you weren't so scared to die and leave everything behind..."

Anxious, I walked around my school, trying to decide what to do. Before I knew it, I was in a teacher's classroom sobbing.

Now, let me tell you, there's nothing more embarrassing than crying to a teacher. Guess who's done it on multiple occasions? Me. Not really any of my proudest moments, but I mean, I guess it's a good sign that I can still acknowledge when I need help.

Thankfully, my teacher helped me through it and was of great help to me. I went to my next class with dry eyes and a heavy heart. One of my good friends tried her hardest to cheer me up by reminding me of God's promises and for some reason, it just felt so hard to believe in the moment. The darkness blocked out any hope I was trying so hard to see. Deep down I tried fighting them off until I became somewhat mentally exhausted.

Unfortunately, the feeling still simmered inside of me and I ended up going home. I went to see my little cousin Emma, who was quick to jump into my arms and wrap her legs around me. She didn't let go for a few minutes and nothing could have made me feel better. I got myself ice cream later, and went on with my day. Later, I realized it was a full moon around that time, and this could have had an effect on how terrible I felt. That, or seasonal depression making it's way back. But like I've been told, each day is a new day, and you just have to tell yourself it's gonna be a good one...and that leads me to this morning...

I hoped the next morning (today) would be better. When I woke up, I struggled to leave my bed. So I took a deep breath and said, "You're going to school, you're going to fight, and you're going to remember that Jesus endured this all for you." As it's now nearing 10 o'clock at night, I can't say I remember much about my day. School was adequate, and dance team was somewhat frustrating on a personal level. However, I held myself together decently, took hugs from those who offered, and kept myself busy enough to keep myself from thinking about anything other than school, music, or dance.

I also took St. John's wort supplements throughout the day to try and boost my mood. It's essentially an herbal pill that you take three times a day with food. If it's something you're interested in, I've read it's placebo for some people, but genuinely works for others. If you're taking any other medications, you might want to talk to a doctor first. 

I don't know...I guess this was a long post, but if you are somebody that encountered me yesterday and simply smiled, said hi, or gave me a hug, know that it is so greatly appreciated, and I cannot thank you enough for your gestures, prayers, and support.

Life's just a little crazy sometimes, but I'll make it out alright,
Marissa Mayer

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