Sunday, June 12, 2016

Never Ready

Good evening...I apologize for the lack of posts. I haven't really had much to say as far as content goes lately, but tonight hit me really hard. Hope you are all doing better than I am currently. Sorry that most of this post is fragmented into short sentences. Honestly, just pouring my thoughts out here. Most of them...are short. Simplistic. So here goes:

I woke up today and I felt the familiar urge to stay in bed. I didn't feel like moving at all. I got up, got dressed, did my makeup, and cleaned my room. The day passed slowly.

I went out to a late lunch with a friend. I laughed a lot. It seemed to convince me that I was okay. After, I went back home. And that's when I realized I wasn't. Something sat heavy on my heart and I had no idea what it was. I needed to be alone. I drove to the cemetery where my grandma is buried. There, I talked out loud. About everything that worries me. I expected to feel better when I left. I didn't. 

I tried going to my special park with the swing. I opened up a book and attempted to read. It was slightly chilly and I couldn't focus on the words that flooded the pages. After about 40 minutes of scanning pages and then taking small breaks, I walked back to my car upset with myself. Why do I feel this way?

I sat in my car with the keys in the ignition, but still. Anger shot through my heart. And that's when a scary thought came to mind: what if this is the "low part" of the vicious cycle of my depression? Looking back on the past few years, I've been able to see that it comes and goes within months. By taking a look at the calendar, it wouldn't surprise me if it was time for it to come back around.

But I'm not ready. I never am. I can't handle the thought of being in that dark, depressed state again. I'm trying my best to keep my head above water here, but it takes a lot of strength to beat another wave.

I feel like this came at me unexpected. A lot like the shootings that occurred this weekend. Nobody is ever ready to face the dark reality of sin that we live in. It's frustrating. It's heartbreaking. It's terrifying. And tonight, that's how I feel. 

I suppose we really won't know if this was just a bad day or the start of a "low" until tomorrow morning when I wake up. Praying I'll wake up with a smile.

Follow me on Twitter: @depressbless and I'll start posting uplifting verses not only to help me, but you too. Feel free to follow my personal as well: @_mayerssa_

Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning,
Marissa Mayer

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