Thursday, January 28, 2016

And It's Back

Good evening everyone! I'd like to apologize for my recent absence on the blog laptop was having issues and I haven't had time to sit down and write. But tonight I do, so here goes...

The past month or so has been amazing for me. I went days without crying. Actually, I probably only cried a handful of times since before Christmas! I was doing so well...lots of smiles and laughs. And through this whole time, I thanked God for giving me such a great time. But deep down, I was scared. One simply does not go on a roller coaster that only goes up (to those of you who have read or seen The Fault in Our Stars, I'm sorry but Augustus Waters was wrong). It's simple Physics...what goes up must come down. I was scared to think that this happy time could come to an end.

But today, I crash landed. I'm not sure how it happened. But there were a few events that lead me to my breaking point. I was told I wasn't allowed on a volleyball team in gym class because I was not wanted on that team. Deep down, I just wanted to try playing with some different classmates...but that obviously didn't end well. So I was placed onto the last one possible. I shrugged it off, because boys are boys and it was really no big deal...or was it? Then, a girl on my team started telling me what to do. How to play. Sure, she had been on a team, and I hadn't. But it's gym class so really, it was more about participating for the grade rather than actually playing hard-core for a win that didn't come with an ounce of pride really. Now this girl had been a very good friend of mine until recently. I'm not sure what happened, but now we barely talk, and things are very awkward. But the tone in her voice was sharp. I felt like I was being pushed around and ignored.

Suddenly, my anxiety took me in it's grasp. My palms got sweaty and I tried to find the air to breathe. The depressing thoughts flew into my head like bats coming out of a cave to scare me.

Imagine the starting of a dark, cloudy tornado. That's what it felt like in my head. I grasped my own hands harder, pinched myself to convince myself I was dreaming. I closed my eyes tightly and struggled to find the light at the end of this tunnel. The tears started dribbling down my face. I wiped them away quickly. I was afraid to let people know that I, once again, feeling weak and defeated.

Nobody really took notice. But then we went into the locker room and somebody asked if I was okay. Immediately, I started sobbing. No, I was not okay. Thankfully I was approached by one of my best friends. She prayed for me while my tears fell onto her shoulder. I felt a little bit of peace surround me and I sighed deeply. Is this the end of my "stable streak?"

Thankfully, I had band next hour. And in all honesty, making music was like putting a Band-Aid on a wound. It helped as much as it could, even though the cut still hurt. Either way, I was wiped out for pretty much the rest of the day. My eyes still burn from the painful tears and my heart still aches from the suddenness of this attack.

But I also have a feeling it could have been from stress, a lack of sleep, and a combination of other small things. I'm praying that a good night's sleep will bring me back to where I stood yesterday. All I need is to keep reminding myself of God's never failing love and strength. For it is through Christ is the victory. I'm not truly weak or defeated because I know I can win this with the Lord at my side.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

P.S. Take the poll on the side of the page please and thank you! Hope you have a great end of the week!
Prayers for each and every one of you,
Marissa Mayer

No comments:

Post a Comment