Thursday, January 28, 2016

And It's Back

Good evening everyone! I'd like to apologize for my recent absence on the blog laptop was having issues and I haven't had time to sit down and write. But tonight I do, so here goes...

The past month or so has been amazing for me. I went days without crying. Actually, I probably only cried a handful of times since before Christmas! I was doing so well...lots of smiles and laughs. And through this whole time, I thanked God for giving me such a great time. But deep down, I was scared. One simply does not go on a roller coaster that only goes up (to those of you who have read or seen The Fault in Our Stars, I'm sorry but Augustus Waters was wrong). It's simple Physics...what goes up must come down. I was scared to think that this happy time could come to an end.

But today, I crash landed. I'm not sure how it happened. But there were a few events that lead me to my breaking point. I was told I wasn't allowed on a volleyball team in gym class because I was not wanted on that team. Deep down, I just wanted to try playing with some different classmates...but that obviously didn't end well. So I was placed onto the last one possible. I shrugged it off, because boys are boys and it was really no big deal...or was it? Then, a girl on my team started telling me what to do. How to play. Sure, she had been on a team, and I hadn't. But it's gym class so really, it was more about participating for the grade rather than actually playing hard-core for a win that didn't come with an ounce of pride really. Now this girl had been a very good friend of mine until recently. I'm not sure what happened, but now we barely talk, and things are very awkward. But the tone in her voice was sharp. I felt like I was being pushed around and ignored.

Suddenly, my anxiety took me in it's grasp. My palms got sweaty and I tried to find the air to breathe. The depressing thoughts flew into my head like bats coming out of a cave to scare me.

Imagine the starting of a dark, cloudy tornado. That's what it felt like in my head. I grasped my own hands harder, pinched myself to convince myself I was dreaming. I closed my eyes tightly and struggled to find the light at the end of this tunnel. The tears started dribbling down my face. I wiped them away quickly. I was afraid to let people know that I, once again, feeling weak and defeated.

Nobody really took notice. But then we went into the locker room and somebody asked if I was okay. Immediately, I started sobbing. No, I was not okay. Thankfully I was approached by one of my best friends. She prayed for me while my tears fell onto her shoulder. I felt a little bit of peace surround me and I sighed deeply. Is this the end of my "stable streak?"

Thankfully, I had band next hour. And in all honesty, making music was like putting a Band-Aid on a wound. It helped as much as it could, even though the cut still hurt. Either way, I was wiped out for pretty much the rest of the day. My eyes still burn from the painful tears and my heart still aches from the suddenness of this attack.

But I also have a feeling it could have been from stress, a lack of sleep, and a combination of other small things. I'm praying that a good night's sleep will bring me back to where I stood yesterday. All I need is to keep reminding myself of God's never failing love and strength. For it is through Christ is the victory. I'm not truly weak or defeated because I know I can win this with the Lord at my side.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

P.S. Take the poll on the side of the page please and thank you! Hope you have a great end of the week!
Prayers for each and every one of you,
Marissa Mayer

Sunday, January 17, 2016

TBT's With The Best Friend

Ayyeeee ris. Look at these tbt's 

I love you lots b
With all the love in the world, 
Your bestest friend.

Get Stronger

Good afternoon! Sorry it's been forever since I've blogged...

However, I got mentioned in the paper about the stigma of depression. You can check that out here:

Anyways, I have a pretty good idea about what I wanna say today, so here goes:

Throughout the course of my "depression journey" so far, I've heard so many people tell me the familiar phrase, "stay strong." I think that it seems like the right thing to say when you don't understand. However, after lots of thinking and analyzing, I've come to realize that you can reshape this phrase to be even better and more encouraging.

So let's take a longer look at "stay strong," and why I think it can be slightly altered. 

The definition of "stay" is to "remain in the same place"
And strong can be defined as:"being able to withstand great force or pressure"

Let's take the "great force" to be your depression  or other battle(s) you might face. Everyday you might be faced with self-harm and/or hate, anxiety, and a number of other tough situations. And let's say every once in awhile, the battle gets harder. The storm gets fiercer. Now how are you supposed to defeat that if you're in the same place? Doesn't that sound like a hard place to be stuck in?

So how about this: "get stronger"...doesn't that sound a little better? By getting stronger, you are guaranteed to overcome anything that comes your way.

If you're still a little confused, look at it this way...say you're lifting weights. Everyday, you use the same light-weight. But one day, you are asked to lift something a whole lot heavier. But how are you supposed to do that if you haven't been practicing and getting stronger? Answer: you won't be able to.

So, my loves, I hope you continue to GET STRONGER, keep building up that faith, and overcome absolutely anything that life throws at you.

You can do anything with Christ by your side,
Marissa Mayer

Thursday, January 7, 2016

The Sound of Beauty

Good afternoon! I'm currently sitting and watching the honors choir practice for our concert's been a long day so far. I had morning dance practice at 6 and then I have honors band practice all day and the concert tonight. It's been a very tiring week for me. Lots of sore muscles!

But as I've been sitting here listening to the music, I can't help but express my love for it. Music has been my love since 4th grade. When people say the word "beautiful", I instantly think of music. Why? To some people it might just be a bunch of sounds, but to me it's art. Music paints a picture. It expresses feelings and tells stories better than words can sometimes. To me, there is nothing better than picking up my saxophone and playing. It's a feeling I can't describe. God has made me talented in music and for that, I am oh so grateful.

Every time I listen to performances, or perform myself, I fall in love with it all over again. And this is why I've come to the recent conclusion that I no longer want to go to medical school. As thrilling as it sounds, I don't think it's "me." It seems like a big time sucker and if I want a family, I'm not exactly sure how that would work. So I know. I know that I want to be a music teacher because music is my passion. It's what I live for. And I'm so glad I'm finally seeing all these blessings God has placed right before my eyes.

God is always so good to me,
Marissa Mayer

Saturday, January 2, 2016

Always New

Happy New Year! Hope you all had a fun (and safe) time celebrating last night.

It's silly how we always try to make new resolutions and rules to follow when in reality, we break half of them like two days later anyways. It reminds me a lot of our sinning. We can think that we are going to try really hard to be perfect and not do anything wrong, but only seconds later we usually think or do something wrong anyways.

But hey, good news. You're always forgiven. Isn't that wonderful? And that's why I think it's important to forgive everyone around us too. Because Christ first forgave us. It just makes sense.

But every single morning is a new one. A new day in front of us. Just like a fresh canvas. And we can either make it beautiful or we can destroy. It all depends how you decide to make things. My goal for this year is to make a masterpiece out of the colors of paint I'm given. While 2015 was composed of the divorce, the discovery of my depression and more, I'm determined to make 2016 the best I can, and I know that this blog is a good way to help me out.

But what does Marissa have on her New Year's list of resolutions? Here's a little bit:

1) Attempt to eat healthier- we'll see how that goes
2) Stay a little bit more active- that means stretching on the "off" practice days
3) My best friend and I have our jars ready to fill with one good thing from each day
4) I wanna compliment people more...more smiles all around!
5) Do more Bible readings!
6) Take risks, make memories, and capture more pictures of those!

Thanks for sticking by my side thus far...can't wait to see what 2016 hold for us!

Starting off on the right foot,
Marissa Mayer