Friday, October 9, 2015

Holding On

Good evening everybody...sorry I haven't been posting everyday. It's been a busy week.

I'm going to be honest. It's been a struggle lately. Last night I went to bed and sobbed myself to sleep. The tears soaked my pillow and I wrapped my arms around a blanket. I squeezed it against myself real tight because sometimes, physically holding on and waiting for it to pass, makes it much easier. If I don't having anything around me to hold, I hug myself. Holding onto something brings me to both a good and bad conclusion.

The bad conclusion is that it reminds me that this is a reality. The pain, the suffering, all of's real. Unfortunately this isn't a nightmare I'll wake up from anytime soon.

The good conclusion is that it reminds me of a ride. Have you ever been on a terrifying ride? Or perhaps watched a scary movie? You close your eyes, hold on, and wait for it to be over, right? Because it is going to pass. You just have to be patient.

Today in Christian Leadership our guest speaker talked briefly about suicide and how it doesn't make sense to make a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It really offended me because in all honesty, it's not like that. And to any of you out there who have had thoughts of suicide, I'm sure you can agree with me. The problem with depression is that there may be temporary problems making it worse, but in the end you're still depressed. It's just something that sticks around. And suicide is so much scarier than just waking up and deciding to kill yourself.

I remember grabbing that bottle of pills both times and pouring them into my hands, slowly. It wasn't that I necessarily wanted to, it's like something took over inside of me and told me I had to. The hands that grabbed the bottle were not mine. The fingers that slowly counted them were not mine. The voice in my head that told me to take them was not mine. It was the depression. And who is behind that? Satan. Trying to convince me I needed to die to get rid of the pain.

Anyways, back to where I was. This guest speaker phrased it in a super weird way that might make sense to somebody who doesn't know what depression feels like, but to myself, it wasn't okay. He talked about struggles in life and a bunch of other stuff. I wish I would have been able to hear him. But my own thoughts drowned him out.

I thought about how a year ago, my life was seemingly perfect. I had a boyfriend who was pretty much the sweetest thing I had come across, and was preparing to get my last name changed, I was getting good grades and we were a happy family. Now I say goodbye to my dad instead of goodnight. I'm sure at least one of you know what it's like to watch a divorce happen, but it's so much worse from the inside. It really is.

If it is "mom's designated day" I find myself wanting my dad, and on my "dad's designated day" I find myself wanting my mom. But everyday, I find myself wanting them both. And it's incredibly hard to let go and accept the fact that it's not happening.

I went to band after Christian Leadership. My heart was racing and I was not prepared for what was going to come. My friend Erin looked at me and knew instantly. And the moment she hugged me, the tears came out. There I was, crying at school. I held onto her and Emma because I couldn't hold onto myself. I needed support. I broke down and couldn't breathe. Anxiety attacks at school: 3 and Marissa: 0.

I'm sorry this post is so long, but honestly, it all just needs to be said. While you might think that I am strong from all of my posts, I am actually incredibly weak. It's even taking a toll on my body. My muscles ache and I can almost feel the actual pain of heartbreak.

But! I can't leave you off on a bad note.

Hold on everyone. Hold on tight. Hold on to His wonderful truth. His love. It has gotten me through so many rough times. It can most certainly get you through anything too. He will use wonderful people to help you out too.

Big shoutouts to Emma, the Erin(s), Kristin, & Emily. I love you ladies so much. You mean more than you know to me.

Love love love each and every one of you. Thank you for your support.

I will not let go,
Marissa Mayer

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