Tuesday, September 1, 2015

The Toughest Battle

Hey guys- I have to be completely honest in this post.

Last night I tried to kill myself. Not like a serious attempt, but I was just about to grab those pills when my mom caught me.

I wish I could tell you that I knew what led to it. But I don't. There is no "pinpoint" or anything. Because the whole depression thing in and of itself isn't simple.

I had written letters to the important people in my life. Telling them I was sorry and that I loved them. The more I wrote them, the more sure I was. That this is what I wanted to do.

The words, "I want to die" and "I don't want to live" flew out of my mouth. But I didn't even really knew I said it. They just escaped. There was nothing else to say, and there was no more air in the room for me to breathe. I squeezed my hands together to make sure I was still alive, but they didn't feel the same. I ran to my room and I didn't faint, but my legs gave out and I fell on the floor. My parents rushed upstairs and I noticed the fear in their eyes. It saddened me. But it was like all at once they wanted me to decide who I want to live with when this is over. And honestly, the answer was neither. I want to go back to the way things used to be. But of course that isn't an option. Suddenly, I have to pick which parent I want to primarily live with and when to visit the other and on and on...

In the end, I was okay. Like usual. But my mom cried and my dad made sure to check on me multiple times. I didn't mean to scare or hurt them. I love my mom and dad. But when this deep pit of sadness hits me, it takes control. And it's incredibly hard to fight it off. I was scared because for once, music didn't save me as quickly as it usually does. The bible verses in my room just looked like words.

But God is always good. Had my mom not walked in when I was ready to take those pills, I might not have been here. It was His timing. On purpose. Because He isn't done with me yet. He has a plan. I gotta stick around.

I share this story with you because I know what it's like. And in God's plan I believe that he wants me to be a witness to all of you. And reassure you the He has overcome everything for us. Have patience. And I'm not saying that I'm suddenly healed and happy, because I'm not. I've just overcome one more battle. I've fought for one more round. And I cannot wait until the day when God takes me home, not when I decide to.That will be the day when I am victorious. Victorious in Christ.

Surrounded by His unending love,
Marissa Mayer

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