Monday, October 9, 2017

Toxic Under the Surface

Depressed and blessed. Today, I'm feeling both and I'm ready to tell you all about it.

I'm feeling a little bit down today. But it's Monday. I have the rest of the week to conquer, and I know I can do it.

Have you ever been in a toxic relationship? Or maybe, held onto something that you know isn't doing you any good? I've got a two good examples that have just recently hit me. Stick with me here, because you're about to get a little insight into my crazy train of thought 😜 (Did I just put an emoji in here?! Did that actually work?!).

1. Snapchat (and other social media)

I read a super duper interesting article today about snap streaks, and I honestly felt really embarrassed that I have a lot of them too. At the surface, it's safe to say that Snapchat seems cool and I can almost guarantee that a majority of my younger viewers here have it, (and Mom, if you're reading this, I know you do too!).

This article got me thinking some more. Why are we so addicted to a number?

Maybe it's this, (feel free to comment if you have input on this btw) we like the idea of having something constant in life. It's satisfying to see the progress of time.

But I'm here to tell you why that isn't okay (or at least why it isn't for me).

I wake up every morning and the first thing I do is check my social media (ew ew ew...such a bad habit!) I send out snaps to my streaks and then proceed to check Instagram, Facebook, Twitter...etc.

Even admitting that made me cringe a little. I'm going to start working on a new way to start my day and I'd love for you to join me.

I'll be doing a devotion to start my day. I'd love to post a good Bible verse on the blog's Twitter page as well, so perhaps I'll get that started just for some daily motivation and good reminders.

I don't need to be instantly connected to everyone in the morning. And especially with people who aren't actually my friends. Streaks don't (or shouldn't) make/break friendships...they should be effortless and hopefully outside the confinement of social media.

Speaking of friendships...that brings me to:

2. Relationships

Oh boy, you already know we've covered this ground in many posts before but I'm ready to say it again because I love you all and I want you to feel as good as I do.

I know this blog reaches a wide range of ages, but I think we can all relate to this. We've all grown up (or at least most of us 😂) and along the way, we've encountered different experiences that shape us into who we are today. I could give you a list of the ones that have really impacted me, but I'll spare you.

Through these experiences we meet new people. We also part ways from others. Sometimes it's just life, like jobs or schools or moves. Other times, it's by choice.

I only know a select chunk of my blog viewers, and I love them all dearly. I also love each and every one of you who I don't know personally. I want you all to be healthy as possible and yes, sometimes that means cutting off the toxic people in your life.

Maybe it's a significant other that is too controlling. Maybe it's a friend who treats you poorly.

Whatever the case may be, I want nothing more for you than to do what is best for yourself! I can't say it enough...YOU are your main priority sometimes, and that's PERFECTLY OKAY! Staying in unhealthy relationships will only hurt you in the long run....trust me. Been there, done that. I believe you deserve people in your life who listen to you, support you, genuinely want what's best for you, and love you unconditionally. And if you're looking for somebody, I'd love nothing more than to be one of those people for you!

Now that I'm in college (wow, I feel old), I've had the opportunity to meet a wider variety of people. It's amazing to come across people who are so passionate about their majors and even more amazing to come across people who actually invest in you because they care about you. I've made some pretty great friends during the first few weeks here. While I've only known them for a short while, it feels like it's been forever (yes, it's cliche, but I couldn't be happier).

My roommate is simply wonderful. We laugh a lot and she's really good at giving me long hugs when I need them, and I know I can always count on her to make me popcorn every night. Her laughter is contagious and we share the same morals and general goals.

I've also met two more amazing people within my major. We are officially an unstoppable trio who has their own group chat and struggles over music theory homework together. I knew I had their support from the day I met them, and I cannot thank God enough for bringing such wonderful people into my life when I needed them most.

Answered prayers.

Well, thanks for sticking with me if you made it this far.

So much love. Remember: it IS all about you sometimes,
Marissa Mayer

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Depressed AND Blessed

I left my last post feeling so good about myself. I clicked "publish" and sat back relieved.

I've been writing for two years and I still get that "on top of the world" feeling when I'm finished with a post. This blog has become an outlet for me and hopefully, a good read for you on occasion. It's exciting to see just how far I've come and with time comes change.

Depressed AND Blessed.

You might be wondering why I made this particular change or perhaps you're telling yourself that you liked the old name better. Before you jump to any conclusions, I want to explain myself on this change.

I started writing in hopes that I could write about the blessings beyond my depression. Hence the "but blessed" portion of the former name. As I've read old posts, and continue to live life with depression, I've come to realize this: the blessings don't necessarily cover my depression.

Let me explain a little more.

I was blessed with a beautiful family and amazing friends who support me and love me endlessly. I could not be any more grateful for all of them.

But that doesn't always save me from the mornings when I wake up and my head is cloudy and I feel like I'm a thousand miles behind myself. Granted, it does help a ton, but that's not going to magically heal me or make my depression just disappear.

The little blessings in life are sweet, and something I can't take for granted. They make life a lot more beautiful but they won't keep my depression from looming.

In the past few years as my life has changed more dramatically, I've learned this: it's all about balance. My depression and the blessings continue as both run in my life. The good doesn't always outweigh the bad and vice versa. They work together to make me a stronger. 

In a sense, I've come to accept my illness. Living with depression has (in its own way) been a blessing for me. It has given me the opportunity to become a mental health advocate, to work on my writing and communication skills, and to grow a real sense of compassion on those around me. It has also allowed me to take a deeper look at my faith and why I depend so heavily on it.

Depressed AND Blessed. Yes, the two can coexist. Complete opposites, but they're working together in my life to make me the person that I am today. I am depressed. I am blessed. I am Marissa.

There's only one blessing that will defeat my illness. And that is the gift of eternal life. I can truly only find peace through the hope I have which is in Him who sacrificed Himself for me. A weak, poor sinner who deserved nothing other than death. I have been purchased by the blood of the Lamb who loved me enough to die on the cross so that I can live in eternity with Him.

Life as a Christian was never promised to be easy. In this life I will face battles. I will also experience triumphs. That's life. It's crazy and it's beautiful.

And I can't believe it's mine,
Marissa Mayer

**ATTN: The new website is officially: http://www.depressedandblessed.com HOWEVER if you enter in the old website, it will take you there as well

ALSO, I will be DELETING the old Facebook page soon in order to rename the page, so please keep your eyes open and I will be sure to let you know as soon as any updates occur**


Thursday, September 21, 2017

Today.

It's been almost a month since I've last posted and let me tell you, it's killed me being away from my own world of writing. This is where I find a sense of relief, where I don't feel like I'm being a burden, and where I feel supported by everyone who reads this.

So I guess now I'm a college student. And that leaves me with little time to write. But as I sit here knowing today is already a struggle, I know that writing must be a priority. I'll push aside the textbook readings and quizzes and essays, because right now is "me time".  Why? Because I am my first priority today, and I know that's the only way I'll make it through.

I slept in (don't worry I didn't have class until later). I got up, took a shower, and for the first time in weeks, put on a full face of makeup. I could have been doing all the work I need to do by tomorrow, but that's okay. I listened to some good music and decided that I wanted to write.

There's a lot on my mind today.

I am feeling great.

Today I am not. But that doesn't define my every day. This is only today. That's all.

So here I am. I'm adjusting to this new life and I guess I'm actually pretty proud of myself for where I am. If you would have asked me a year or two ago where I thought I'd be in college, I would have told you I wasn't sure I could live that long. Or that I'd survive once I got here.

I love my roommate and my suite mate. They're amazing and constantly have me laughing. My roommate even killed a spider above my bed for me this morning. I've made friends, mostly within my major, but I get along with the girls on my floor too.

I like my professors and my classes for the most part. They're making me excited about my future and I've never been more sure about what I want to do. I'm learning to play piano (with both hands!), make triads and determine intervals, work on my critical thinking skills, and contemplate my teaching philosophy once I have my own classroom. Give it a few years and I'll be all set...

*insert the rest of my day here as I return to writing*

...I took a nap today, just like every day. I woke up and wasn't feeling much better. But I went to band and playing got me into a better mood. Had dinner with my roommate and now I guess I better start my homework.

Today turned around a little. Tomorrow I get to go home for the weekend and enjoy some time with my family (and home cooked meals). I'm excited.

So yes, we all have a bad day here and there. But that's okay. It was just today. The sun will set. The sun will rise. Tomorrow.

I hope you are all doing absolutely wonderful. I'm hoping that in the weeks to come I can continue working on some updates or possibly purchasing my own domain. I really want to get back to blogging more often. All I need is your continued support, love, and prayers. Thank you for sticking around.

ALSO: Please check out the poll on the side of the page...I need some feedback!

I survived. Today.

Marissa Mayer



Sunday, August 27, 2017

New Chapters

You probably just rolled your eyes reading the title of this post and I'll admit that I also cringed while titling it. Not really a big fan of the whole "new chapter" analogy, but I guess we're sticking with it because I have nothing better to call life at this point.

Since I've last written I have officially moved into college. It's crazy how fast summer flew by. Thus far, I have made some friends, made into the symphonic wind ensemble, and really made myself comfortable on campus. Classes start tomorrow which is both exciting and terrifying, however I know that this is what I want to do...starting my path of becoming a music teacher.

Oh and no, I didn't cry when my mom and brother left me behind either. However, I am excited that my dad is coming to visit me and take me to dinner tonight.

Anyways, as a follow up from one of my previous posts, Coming Clean, I am happy to say that I'm doing pretty well on my list. I stopped associating with such toxic people, I started taking more time for myself, and I am now taking my medication every day.

And, quite honestly I think that college is really helping me so far on this list (granted it's only been less than a week). Also, as a tip, you should go to college orientation. Yes, it can kinda suck, and it will be super awkward at first, but it's really worth it.

I guess that's really all I have to say. I'm doing well, and I hope you're all doing even better!

Somehow now a college freshman,
Marissa Mayer

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

8.8.17

August 8th. Two weeks and one day until move in!

I guess you could say I'm really excited to start this new chapter of my life (cringe at my word choice there...wayyy too cliche).

Since the last time I've written, I've left my job and actually just became an independent sales consultant for Rodan & Fields. I'm very excited to start and if you're interested in the product or selling, feel free to contact me with any questions. I also have a link to my sales site on the right hand side of the page.

Following up from my last post, I've been doing pretty well.

I stopped drinking and I stopped talking to a lot of toxic people. If you've been thinking about clearing out a lot of snapchat friends, this is me telling you to DO IT!

It sounds really dumb to say and you'll probably roll your eyes, but social media has its positives and negatives. I'm sure you've heard it before.

I think that in a lot of ways I have witnessed its impact on myself. I will be the first to admit that I save my snap streaks every morning. I spend a lot of time scrolling Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat stories...everything. And cutting out things I don't want to see is a step in the right direction I'm sure.

Other than that, not much else is new here. Unfortunately I'm still facing stomach issues and it is getting really irritating. Hopefully it comes to an end soon.

Hope you're all doing great! I'll be in touch soon.

Hanging in there,
Marissa Mayer

Friday, July 21, 2017

Coming Clean

Nearing the end of July here and I haven't written in over a month.

I have to be honest. Sitting down and blogging was not something I was interested in, I've held off on it forever. Why? Because I knew it would take a lot of coming clean and a lot of arranging my recent feelings. So I guess, before I start, I want you to know a few things and I plan on highlighting more points throughout. Here goes...

1. This probably won't be organized. I've been a mess forever, and so what you read is going to be exactly what came to my mind. Probably little to no editing.

2. I'm on my second point here and I'm already a mess. I guess I just want you to know that hopefully through reading this, you'll be reminded just how important it is to keep yourself a priority. You're constantly facing new challenges, and that doesn't make you selfish.

Okay. Deep breath.

I am seventeen years old. My birthday is in exactly two weeks. I move in to college in a month and two todays. I'm growing up. I'm learning. But I guess I forgot that sometimes you have to learn the hard way. And I guess that's what brings me here.

I stopped taking my medication for awhile. Bad decision. Why I did it? I'm not sure. I think it was a feeling of independence. I wanted to do it alone. Or maybe it's because sometimes (actually a lot of the time) I suck at making sure I'm taking proper care of myself and taking one pill a day was just "too much of a routine". Who knows...either way, it wasn't a smart decision.

3. Pro tip: take your meds. Even if you think you can skip it for awhile, or you're seemingly doing well without it right now, or whatever the case is...take them anyway! Don't mess with them without the guidance of your psychiatrist. 

Anyways, I started feeling like complete trash. Anxiety ate me down 6 pounds from my normal weight. I threw up every morning and didn't eat until evening. I drank Pedialytes and tried to keep my blood sugar up so I would be able to function.

And then I started hanging around people that weren't healthy for me. I started drinking (also not helpful with my stomach issues). I figured it was normal. It's what everyone my age seems to be doing (sidenote: that doesn't make it right!). I got drunk once or twice. Physical hangovers are no fun. Emotional hangovers hurt even worse.

I knew I didn't want to be doing it anymore. It didn't make me feel better. It made me feel worse. I looked in the mirror and saw that on the outside, I was prideful, but inside I was dying. I was changing...into somebody I hated.

4. People change. That's a fact. But those changes should never come at the price of your morals. You've probably heard it before, but you shouldn't change yourself to "fit in".

Not only was I disappointed in myself, but my choices ultimately hurt people who loved me. I almost lost my best friend. My head was a mess, my heart was broken, and I didn't know where to go. I was angry at myself. I stayed up late with my own thoughts and slept until most of the day was over. Repeat. Honestly, my sleep schedule is still a disaster! But like everything else, we're working on it.

5. Your choices come with consequences! I can't say it enough...it's something I had to learn the hard way...and still am continuing to be reminded of. You can lose people's trust, you can break relationships, and ultimately, you put yourself into a deep hole that is incredibly hard to climb out of.

I stopped going to church. I was so consumed by this divide I saw inside myself. Between what I knew was right and this sinful depressed side of me that wanted to lose all touch with everything I had ever known (sidenote: sinful and depressed are being used separately here!). I still haven't been back. But as I'm writing, and facing my feelings and actions on a page...

6. I know that my mistakes can't completely define me. I am a sinner. Yes, yes, yes...the guilt consumed me. My choices hurt. But, it doesn't end there. Forgiveness. I've come clean in this post, and I've also been made clean by the water and Word. Redeemed. 

I'm making church a priority this weekend. I'm excited to go. I've missed the comforting promises made and kept in His Word. I've missed the sweet taste of forgiveness at the rail next to my brothers and sisters in Christ.

Deep sigh of relief.

There it is. That's what's been keeping me from you for so long. I was afraid, ashamed, and ultimately unsure of how to approach it all. But I'm glad I did. Here's some of my plans as I continue to work on "bettering myself" (sidenote: I hate that phrase but it's the only thing I got right now).

* Return to church is a big step for me. A good step in the right direction this time.
* Continue blogging...as I reach the end here, I can't even begin to tell you how much better I feel.
* Take my medication every day. It's important!
* Work on some personal healthier habits to help my anxiety and stomach issues.
* Take more time for myself. Do things I find enjoyable.
* Spend more time with my family as I prepare to head off to college.
* Strengthen and make new friendships that will continue to push me in a positive direction.

Okay, looking back that list is very cliche. But we're going with it anyway.

Thank you. For your support. For letting me write. For praying for me...the list is endless.

I'll be back soon,
Marissa Mayer

Sunday, June 11, 2017

From Cuts to Calvary


I thought I'd be nice and give you just a glimpse of the beautiful view I have as I write this. I'm sitting on my dad's back deck. A nice cold glass of Diet Coke and the Chainsmokers new album playing on my shiny new MacBook Pro. 

Since the last time I've written, things have definitely changed.

I've been working quite a bit lately which is keeping me busy and helping earn some pocket cash for college...speaking of, I'm so excited about dorm shopping!

Other than that, I'm really enjoying summer thus far. Especially on nights like tonight when the weather is absolutely gorgeous. I could probably sit here forever. 

But I'd be lying if I said things were as perfect as my view tonight.

I recently found out that somebody very very close to me has been self harming. Upon finding out, my heart shattered in a million pieces. I was in shock, completely distraught. I hugged him for what felt like an eternity and it wasn't long enough. Like I've said many times before, I would never ever wish depression on my worst enemy. It's self destructive. A complete nightmare. And without help, it's even worse. 

I know that there are even more of you out there like this individual. While my scars are no longer visible, there are occasions when I can still feel the numbness on my upper thigh. Sometimes I get flashbacks of wincing through the initial breaking of skin, bandaids, and limping when I walked. My heart goes out to those of you who have struggled or continue to struggle with self-harm. You are beautiful despite your scars. You are loved by someone with His own scars. 

I titled this post "From Cuts to Calvary" because I recently thought about the crucifixion of Christ and just how physically unbearable that would be. Christ, because of His great love for you, was beaten and tormented...covered in countless wounds. For me. For you.

Nails pierced through His hands, a spear to the side. The sins of the entire world on the shoulders of the innocent One. Forsaken by His own Father, Jesus Christ did it all. The suffering, death, and resurrection of the Lamb gives us hope. 

Through Baptism, we are washed clean. Scars of sin, completely gone. Redeemed children, loved in such an unfathomable amount, we now given the gift of eternal life. We suffer now, but the pain is temporary, as He has prepared a place for us where our physical scars will be removed and our illness can no longer hurt us. 

The best part of it is this: none of that will never change. At your highest of highs and your lowest of lows, His promise of eternal life will never change. His inerrant Word remains true and His love everlasting. 

You have been healed, washed, and made new in the body of Christ. I pray that even on the darkest of days, you still remember that. 

To close up here, I have a lot of ideas running through my head. Having mental illness strike so close to home here again, I'm really really pushing even more awareness. I have some free time this week so hopefully I can do some more advertising and work with other mental health bloggers. In the meantime, I'm praying for all of you. 

Redeemed by the body and blood of Christ,
Marissa Mayer